Stable

With each new dance instructor (primarily Ballet) came a referral for a scoliosis check.  My mom would rush me to my pediatrician to get the same answer:  “Her spine is fine.”

The scoliosis checks in school?  “We need to recheck you.  Just wait a minute.”  Only to be told I was ok.

Got my height early (I am 5’7”) and started rolling my shoulders so I wouldn’t be taller than the boys I liked in junior high.

That time in my late teens where I twisted when I sneezed and had pain in my lower back.  Or when I was not properly warmed up in a ballet class and pushed through anyway, causing a tear in my hamstring.

As a runner, all of my running injuries (IT Band, Hip) would be on my left side.

Birthed a 10lb baby, then two years later a 9lb baby.

Became a full-time telecommuter at 40.  Grabbed my laptop and sat anywhere in the house that was available such as the sofa, dining room table, in bed…….

Sitting in airplane after airplane after airplane.

Lower back would hurt to the point that the only comfort was standing (forget sitting or rising up from a sit). Xray after xray showed nothing wrong.  Prescribed muscle relaxers.  “You are inflamed.  Take Ibuprofen.”

A long-haul flight led me to my wonderful chiropractor who was the first provider who said, “Yep, you are hypermobile.  What do you do for strength building besides yoga?” When I said nothing, he gave me some exercises to do many times a day, every day.  When I did them, I noticed remarkable improvement. 

I stopped doing my work.

One week before jumping on a flight to teach at a retreat in Costa Rica in 2019, I went down.  Sciatica they said.  All signs were there.  (Found out later it was not Sciatica).  Hopped up on muscle relaxers and Naproxen, I boarded my long flights to Central America.  I was warned not to go into flexion (think forward folds) and taught like I normally do – verbally cueing, walking around the platform watching my students making sure they were safe, but was not able to demonstrate most, if not all poses.  Surfing was pretty much being in Cobra pose on the board (extension is good!) as I could not feel my left foot enough to feel secure enough to hit a pop up. I meandered through my time on this retreat not having a stable left side.  My GP made an appointment with a PT upon my return.  She and I didn’t click, and I gave up on her in 3 sessions.  “I’ll figure this out on my own.”  And I did.  I cobbled together some basic strength and stability moves to do every day.  I did them every day until I felt better.  “I am cured!”

Oh so I thought.

In June of 2020 – I was at my dentist for a cleaning and to discuss sensitivity with my lower left teeth, which prevented me from chewing on that side.  I was certain that I had a rotten tooth and would require a root canal (I am a bit dramatic).  She took some xrays and said, “You are fine.”

Oh Stop It.

She could tell I was frustrated (because I pretty much told her that with a big eye roll) and said I should go to PT for my jaw.  I have always had a click on the left side of my jaw since the lovely days of orthodontics.  I am also a jaw clencher/teeth grinder when I sleep (complete with night guard).  Classic TMJ.  “There is a jaw specialist who pretty much massages your head and jaw.”  Massage?  And my insurance will pay for it?  The PT Clinic is 4 blocks from my house? SOLD!

Using every Covid19 precaution, I received that head and jaw massage.  The most intense, painful, “I am ready to kick you in the belly” experience ever.  Which just highlighted the amount of crap in my jaw that has been there forever.

She didn’t look at me and say, “Oh dear God, you are a wreck all over.”  But I am certain she thought it.  As we worked through the jaw and neck with exercises and manipulation, I would bring something else up.  “Hey, when I rotate my left arm back, my range of motion is limited and my shoulder hurts!”  Mmm hmmm.  She said. We will work on that.  And we did.  When I found myself sitting for almost 14 hours a day for 2 months straight working on a big project and my lower back screamed at me, I came into my appointment broken and needing attention on the lower back.  “Please fix me!” 

I won’t go into all of the details, but when she told me to engage my lower abs, I did.  Or so I thought.  I was actually using other muscles.  When I went into side plank I felt a bit smug.  “I’ll show you!  I am a yoga instructor and DO THIS ALL THE TIME!” only to have her point out that I slightly under rotate here, don’t lift there, dump in this spot, etc.  Everything that I thought was solid in my yoga practice needed refinement to keep me stable and healthy for the long term.  I had many unconscious habits, EVER SO SLIGHT, that was causing the wrong muscles to engage.

I was humbled.  And honestly, I was a bit pissed off.

I am in my 50s and just now figuring out what I need to do to heal.  I feel as though the medical establishment failed me.

But in reality, I failed myself.  I am in the greatest shape of my life (ok, maybe when I studying dance in my teens and running through my 30s and 40s….but I wonder how healthy I really was during those times).  It is due to this awareness as a yoga practitioner the desire as an instructor to not just flow through poses, but mindfully and safely cue that I started paying attention to my own body.  I wasn’t ready to do the work when it was presented to me years ago.  I gave up when I started to feel better…when the symptoms were treated, but the underlying cause was not addressed.

It isn’t a failure.  It is a blessing. I let go of my ego and decided to take this seriously.  To age well without pain.  To keep mobile.  To stay strong.

Genetics.  Postural habits. Ergonomics in the workplace/home. Stress. Anxiety. Biomechanics. Slight shifts here and there when you move into a pose in yoga. How you move in other activities.  Hypomobility.  Hypermobility.  All plays into the health and well being of the spine and all it supports.

Why all of this?  My physical therapist, Allison Harney and I created a series workshop that explored the 4-parts of the spine.   This was the launching point of my weekly Yoga for a Healthy Spine class and set me on my path as someone who specializes in spine health when it comes to yoga. I have found my story is common with those who have experienced back pain.  Not understanding what is the root cause of the pain, how to fix it and more importantly how to maintain it.

Stability to me, is more important than flexibility. Dialing back a pose and learning what works best for your body in the moment.