Enough

Not good enough.  Not flexible enough.  Not strong enough.  Can’t meditate.  Not. Can’t. Shouldn’t.  I think the word here is “won’t”.

We live in a world of self-imposed limitations.  It is a very safe place to be, floating in the space of unworthiness.  It is easy to stay there in that comfort zone.

I meet people every day who say these words:

“I can’t do yoga”

“I am not flexible”

“I am not strong.”

“I don’t think I can sit with a group of strangers.”

“I can’t do a back bend, I can’t touch my toes, I can’t do Downward Facing Dog.”

But you can.  Your way. 

You may have to try 20 different studios until you find your yoga home.  I know I did.  I tried yoga classes at gyms (not for me).  I experimented with Bikram Yoga (not for me).  I did online videos (not for me).  I tried Kundalini Yoga (interesting, but didn’t stick).  I drove all around Palo Alto when I lived in the Bay Area searching for a studio.  When I moved back to Portland, the only place that worked for me initially was a studio near my office that did yoga for pregnant women.  Then I gave birth and that was that.  I went in and out of studios, searching and searching and always finding an excuse to not jump in.

Was it the studio?  The teachers? The community?

Maybe.

When you find your “yoga home” you know it.  You light up when you think about going, can’t wait to get there, embrace the teachings, and feel refreshed when you leave.  So yes, finding the space, the teacher, the teaching style, the room full of people that resonates with you is important.  But it is not all.  It is committing yourself to something that is hard, scary, vulnerable and dare I say it, life changing.

Being a perfectionist, I avoided diving deep when it got too hard.  Or when I couldn’t master a challenging pose.  But when I found my studio and found a teacher that was not all about the perfect textbook asana and was focused on teaching the poses as they present in my body, it clicked.  I could do this my way, with my body.  My body is glorious in its’ own right.  Flexible and strong.  Broken and weak.  I have had numerous injuries, mainly in my back.  I easily went into frustration, but then shifted to an awareness.  I can feel my body – the aches and pains and movement and muscle and breath and everything.  I could say, “No, I am not going to practice yoga.  I am not good enough today.”  But I can.  How yoga will present to me in the moment with this body is unknown but always great exploration.  Not just into what poses can I do and how they feel, but what do I need to do to strengthen these areas to prevent injury.

I was teaching a basics class where we explored having a partner use a strap on another in DFD – pulling those hips up, elongating that spine, bringing the weight out of the hands.  Pairings were based on proximity and a tall, over 200lb man found himself without a partner.  I walked over to be his sidekick and he said, “You won’t be able to hold me.”  I replied, “Let’s give it a shot.”  I lifted him up, held him there until he was ready to come down.  We continued exploring partner assisted supports, and I worked with him every time.  After class he came over and said, “You are mighty and strong.  Never would have guessed with your small frame. “  So while at that time I had back issue that preventing me for almost every pose that requires flexion in the spine, I can support a 200+ lb man.  It was my super-power of the moment.

Why all of this? 

It weighs heavy on my heart when I hear a student diminish their abilities.  The second guessing, the I am not good enough, the “I must follow the rules”.  What rules?  Who created them?  My only rule is for you to be safe in my classes, physically and mentally.  If I see too much weight bearing on a joint, or I know you have an existing issue, I am going to offer a modification.  I am going to tell you if you are in the midst of sciatica to not move fully into flexion so the inflammation can subside.  I will show you how to engage your core while doing a forward fold to protect your lower back when you are ready to move back into flexion again.  I am not going to shame you if you can’t go into that forward fold fully or at all.

I was in Vermont on business this week and popped into a yoga studio near my hotel for an evening class to work out the physical and mental kinks of sitting in a conference room for 8 hours.  I love exploring studios when I travel.  And I hit on a great one in Burlington.

I asked the teacher, who was teaching a class called “Flow” what her class was like before entering the practice space.  She ticked all the right boxes for me.  She said:

1.       I like to use props.  I encourage props

2.       I start out with focused breathwork

3.       I do a strong vinyasa flow, with many sun salutations

4.       We go into some more advanced poses if you want to do them

5.       I stress engagement of supporting muscles and core

6.       I toss in a few yin poses

7.       I finish with a restorative pose

And then she said this.  “I only want you to be safe.  You can do what you want.  You do you and I’ll do me.”

I found my soul-sister teacher in Vermont.

But here is the irony.  As we went into the first DFD, I immediately started judging my alignment.  I was tight from cross country airline travel.  Restricted due to sitting in a board room for two days straight.  Here I am preaching about no shame while doing yoga and I was my own worst critic.  It happens to all of us whether we are beginning or advanced practitioners.

Take it easy out there.  Be kind to yourself.  Your body knows what to do.  Trust it.